You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
