I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
