im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
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