I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
