I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
