Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
