She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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