girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
