Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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