i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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