Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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