Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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