Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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