now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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