hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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