3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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