I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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