So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
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