i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
