the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
