So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
