Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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