nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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