I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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