I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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