What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
