My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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