The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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