The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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