Pappa wants mamma naked
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I am available for nakedness
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Randomize