so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
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