I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
