is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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