I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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