$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
