And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
