hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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