I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
It's like God shit irony all over that family
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
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