So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Found your dick twin last night
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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