My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
