my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
my being single is dangerous.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
