The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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