So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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