my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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