Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
