Porn is love you can see.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
