My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
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