i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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