Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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