A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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