Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
