saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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