I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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