You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
