i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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