Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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