3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
