i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
