Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
