you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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