Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
